Are Your Children Ready To Be Missionaries?

by Betty Jackson

There was a discussion between a teacher and a father (also a teacher) concerning homeschooling in which the teacher insisted that our children ought to attend public school to be missionaries, rather than being schooled at home. The young father replied, “My children are not ready to be missionaries.”

This article is not to defend homeschooling per se, nor to agree with the public school teacher. What it is about is whether young children can be held accountable as missionaries in their circle of associations. It would be better to realize that every Christian is a missionary, with the Great Commission having been given by our Lord and Commander-In-Chief, Jesus Christ.

However, it may be overwhelming to young children to place them in the role of missionary. While we need to consider them as “missionaries in training,” requiring certain behaviors, we do need to realize, because of their tender ages, we must be careful. The development of all that it takes to be a faithful Christian, including teaching others in our communities or abroad, is a process. The focus needs to be upon building the faith of children, leading them to responsible Christian adulthood. “How can that be done?” one may ask.

Parental tasks of making a living, keeping the health department away from a cluttered house, and running here and there with so many extra curricular activities often leave fathers and mothers exhausted. Yet, the command to “train children the way they should go” is always hovering over minds as weary bodies fall into bed at the end of full days. In weariness, some may even wonder “Does anyone want my job!” 

There are so many every day distractions that hinder good training of our children. It is comforting to know that the instructions of Deuteronomy 6:7-9 involve daily life. While a formal devotional during the week is a good thing, little will be accomplished by that if all the rest of life revolves around the temporal. Our lives ought to be saturated with a wholehearted love for our Heavenly Father, humble gratefulness for Jesus’ sacrifice, and appreciation for the Holy Spirit’s provision of the Holy Scriptures. We must rise up, walk in the way, and lay down with conversation revolving around our own mission of serving God. Everything we do ought to be done in the name of the Lord (Colossians 3:17). As Alfred Edersheim worded it, “...to the spiritual nothing is secular.” Solomon stated that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 1:7). Our light must shine all the time! (Matthew 5:16.) If we compartmentalize our lives, we may risk becoming only Sunday Christians.

Specific challenges must be faced head on in our modern media-driven world. Nearly every nature program will propagandize the theory of evolution. Visit the Grand Canyon and you are bound to hear about the evolutionary ideas behind the explanation for the Canyon. Most science curricula are filled with it as well.

The National Science Teachers Association makes no apology for contradicting a biblical view of the origin of the universe and human beings. They claim there is no scientific evidence for Special Creation. Yet they say, there is evidence for evolution, and “...evolution is a unifying concept for science.” Further they affirm that, “Scientific disciplines with a historical component, such as astronomy, geology, biology, and anthropology, cannot be taught with integrity if evolution is not emphasized.”

Humanist John Dunphy arrogantly wrote, "I am convinced that the battle for humankind's future must be waged and won in the public school classroom by teachers that correctly perceive their role as proselytizers of a new faith: a religion of humanity that recognizes and respects the spark of what theologians call divinity in every human being...The classroom must and will become an arena of conflict between the old and new -- the rotting corpse of Christianity, together with all its adjacent evils and misery, and the new faith of humanism, resplendent with the promise of a world in which the never-realized Christian ideal of 'love thy neighbor' will finally be achieved."

In his book Already Gone, Ken Ham statistically showed that faith in the integrity of the Bible of young people has been compromised or destroyed because of their inability to harmonize the Bible with so-called science. Compatibility between the biblical account of a young earth and that of pseudo-science concerning the age of the earth doesn’t exist. Being taught that science proves that the earth is billions of years old in contrast to the history recorded in the Bible is devastating. Without the armor to deflect these false ideas, both parents and children are affected. 

 Over fifteen years ago, there was a young boy in my Bible class who believed the earth was billions of years old, in spite of my best efforts to show him the evidence otherwise. My lessons titled Reasoning to Believe, showed the weaknesses in the dating methods, and other proofs that our earth cannot be as old as is claimed by the atheistic community.

Atheism is a militant effort to dismiss God through hocus-pocus dating methods to find billions of years. Theistic evolution is likewise a malignant scheme to destroy confidence in the verbal inspiration of the Scriptures. We cannot slumber. We need the whole armor of God with the sword of the Spirit, the word of God, truth, and righteousness, to take the offensive, contending for the faith of our children.

What can busy parents do? First, realize that the most important missionary work that you have to do is training your children and protecting their budding faith. Second, you need the weapons to learn how to combat the errors to which they are exposed. One such tool is Truth Be Told available from Apologetics Press. Some homeschools have used this book as a part of their school curriculum. I urge you to purchase a copy. It handles some of the common claims by atheists on a level youngsters can understand.

You may be thinking that I was disingenuous by stating this was not a defense of homeschooling. While I am pro-homeschooling in most situations, my real point is this: It is dangerous out there! We must protect our children by training them, and strengthening them to meet the battles for faith they will face, regardless of where they are educated.

No, children are not ready to be missionaries. They can be good examples, inviting their friends to Bible class and worship. They may even be able to discuss some biblical themes with them. But they are not ready to strike out on their own into the wilderness of the ferocious atheistic, humanist beast. They need training to learn how to reason and identify error with the intelligence the God of heaven has given them. They must receive the education of sound teaching to learn how to do that.

Resources and Recommended Reading

Dunphy, John. 2009. The Book That Started It All. https://www.secularhumanism.org/index.php/articles/3452

Edersheim Alfred. 1947. The Life and Times of Jesus, the Messiah. Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmeans Publishing Company. Vol. II, p. 247.

Jackson, Jason. Evaluating Evolution in Plain English. https://www.christiancourier.com/articles/1228-evaluating-evolution-in-plain-english

Jackson, Wayne. The Age of The Earth. https://www.christiancourier.com/articles/7-age-of-the-earth-the

NSTA Position Statement. The Teaching of Evolution. 

http://www.nsta.org/about/positions/evolution.aspx

See Apologetics Press for the book Truth Be Told, and for a number of other materials that are useful to parents for teaching their children: https://www.apologeticspress.org/store/Category.aspx?cid=16

Image credit: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_7206834_boys-reading-together.html'>designpics / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

Are You a Missionary Wife?

by Jill Jackson

Some members of our local congregations are engaged in mission work . . . in their homes. Their mission—to save the souls of the men they married. Perhaps a friend taught them the gospel and they embraced it, but their spouses weren’t so receptive. Maybe they willingly entered into marriage with nonbelievers.

Some of these women have spouses that create no “obstacles.” On some level, they value it’s importance to her and support her, but they’re not interested personally. Some husbands may want their children to go to church, and share the faith of their mothers, despite not wanting it for themselves. On the other side of the spectrum, some are antagonistic and make it very difficult for their wives to be faithful. Under any circumstances, a Christian married to a non-Christian experiences hardships.

  

They are unable to talk about spiritual things with the person that matters the most. They can’t share a zeal for serving Christ. They can’t pray together. There is a missing element to their intimacy because they lack a spiritual connection. They have no comfort in the thought of separation because as things stand, they will not spend eternity together. Often there’s even an inability to spend time with Christian friends because of their spouses’ lack of receptiveness. Life can be lonely. 

Religious discussions explode into conflicts. Guilt is a constant companion. Choosing to go to church and serving God becomes “choosing not to be with me.” Many, after choosing the good and right thing, return home and get the “what for” or spend the rest of the day getting the cold shoulder. Life can be combative. 

Many who have children worry about the impact of living in a spiritually divided home. They fear their children will be subject to religious hostility. They recognize they will not get the guidance and spiritual influence they need from a spiritually broken home. They fear they will not choose to serve God. Life can be worrisome. 

Clearly these “mission workers” have struggles and heartaches, but the Bible provides a soul winning formula of hope. “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:1-4).

Peter instructs Christian women to respect the authority of their husbands. Despite the fact many were unmoved by the gospel, or worse, rebelled against it, they were encouraged to focus on their conduct and not that of their spouses. Respectful and pure conduct does not include brow-beating, nagging, or manipulating. Rather the avenue of hope for winning a spouse to Christ is through actions that don’t involve words. Too often words turn combative. When the mouth stays closed, hostility is disarmed, and the opportunity to lead by behavior comes to fruition. 

Peter emphasizes the need to focus on inner beauty—the heart—which God values. Her spirit, the inner disposition which reveals itself through daily actions, should be gentle and quiet. Gentle means controlled in her actions and emotions. Quietness is a quality of imperishable beauty, a characteristic not associated with pushiness, nagging or being selfishly aggressive. The influence of one faithfully striving to live like Christ has the power to make its mark on the heart of others. This adorning of the heart can soften the hardest of hearts in a way that even the most heartfelt words could never achieve. 

If you are involved in this mission work, I want to encourage you not to lose sight of your most valuable asset—YOU. When Jason and I recently flew to Tennessee to attend the FHU lectureship, I listened to the flight attendants go through their safety information before we took off. When it comes to those little masks “in case the cabin loses air pressure,” they instruct parents to put their mask on FIRST, and THEN assist their children. 

When married to an unbeliever, you need to remember to save yourself first—then save your spouse. Just because one is “saved” today, doesn’t mean she will be “saved” if she chooses to quit living according to the Scriptures. You’re currently living on an island of higher ground than your mate. Think of it as if you’re standing on a table, and he is standing next to you on the ground. The reality is, it’s going to be a whole lot easier for him to pull you down, than it’s going to be for you to pull him up. You can’t lose sight of your own soul and where you want to spend eternity. If you fall from grace (Galatians 5:4), there’s little hope of him fulfilling the requirements to accept God’s grace. Consider five ways you can save yourself first.

"Save yourself first" by getting in the word. Every day needs to have a time for structured, spiritual focus. The word is a necessity for sustaining the soul. Bible study needs to be as valuable as the air you breathe (Matthew 4:4, James 1:25, 1 Peter 2:2-3).

"Save yourself first" by petitioning the Father. One who is married to a non-Christian is susceptible to being weakened by her spouse. Because of this, there should be a great effort made to be in constant commune with God. Share with him your heart’s desire, and lean on him for comfort and support, because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). 

“Save yourself first” by cultivating deep relationships with your Christian family. You need a support system. Many times, because of the hostility of one’s spouse the majority of close friends end up being outside of the church. This can make the believer even more vulnerable to losing her soul, because bad companions can corrupt good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33)! You need to hold fast to your spiritual lifeline. Maybe you can’t invite someone over for dinner because of your husband’s hostility, but perhaps you can have someone over when he is at work or meet a friend for lunch. Iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17).You need to find at least a few people you can be real with. You need people who can encourage you, give you wise counsel, and pray for you.

“Save yourself first” by being as active as you can. Attend every service possible. Granted, there are some situations so volatile that attending one service a week may be all one can do without embarking on World War III, but some become content with this as opposed to truly trying to peacefully pursue more time with the saints. 

“Save yourself first” by keeping your emotions in check. Some signed on for this mission work when they walked down the aisle. Maybe they did so because they believed their spouses would come around in time . . . or maybe they accepted that they may never come around and were convinced they could be okay with that. In some circumstances, time creates “game changers” and the Christian spouse struggles emotionally, and spiritually with the decision they made. Though they may love their husbands very much, they find they’re no longer content being married to individuals who do not share their faith. Perhaps this change of heart is a result of having children, or maturing spiritually. Whatever the cause, they can create expectations of their spouses they didn’t have upon marrying them. 

The nonbeliever says, “Hey, you knew who I was when you married me.” There is a valid truth to be made in such a statement. While one can certainly strive, hope, and lead by behavior because of a desire to save her spouse, she must also be mindful of the fine line that high emotions can cause her to cross. Recognize that crossing this line may add to the friction in your home. Because of this, there should be an extra effort made to focus on all the good things—the things that made you fall in love with your husband. 

Truly love your spouse by making him feel valued as he is, and in so doing, you may be the “game changer” for his eternal state. May God bless you as you strive to live by the principles found in 1 Peter.  

Recommended Reading

Jackson, Wayne. Should a Christian Marry Outside the Faith?

https://www.christiancourier.com/articles/313-should-a-christian-marry-outside-the-faith

Image credit: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_20772705_man-hands-showing-family-of-paper-men.html'>dolgachov / 123RF Stock Photo</a>  

What Is Your Mission Statement?

Dear sisters,

Every dedicated Christian holds the Lord's teaching in Matthew 6:33 as the primary mission statement. Projects of less importance come under or support that goal.

Our Commander in Chief, gave us our orders in the Great Commission (Matt. 28:18-20). Our obligation in the Lord's army is not to conquer nations (Eph. 6:12), but to win the hearts of others for Christ.

Women of Hope will provide several articles during the month of March on the work of women as ambassadors of Christ.

Jill Jackson's article addresses wives who are missionaries in their homes. 

Let us know if you find these articles helpful.

May the Lord bless you as you seek the lost for Jesus.

With hope and love,

Betty Jackson

Image credit: <a href='http://www.123rf.com/photo_3320972_scripture.html'>acepixure / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

Are You Building A Successful Marriage?

by Jill Jackson

Jesus concluded his Sermon on the Mount by making a distinction between two people: one who built his house on the rock, the other on the sand. He said, “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it” (Matthew 7:24-27). 

One living the Christian life must build a deep spiritual foundation to withstand the elements that will come (i.e., the rains, floods and winds of persecution, temptation, false doctrine, trials, and heartache). The security of the foundation determines whether the house will stand firm or be destroyed and swept away by the elements. The wise man hears the teachings of Christ and recognizes his truths are the only foundation for a good life. Because of this understanding he builds his house upon the rock. He is a hearer and a doer (cf. James 1:22-25). His obedience to Christ’s teachings shores up his house, and protects him from the elements that attempt to weaken faith and devotion. 

In contrast, Christ describes the foolish man. Like the wise man, he hears Christ’s teachings, but they do not prick his heart to action. He builds his house on the sand. His devotion is superficial and has no strength for enduring the elements. As a result, his house falls when external pressures arise. 

A Christian marriage will experience storms as well. The elements of temptation, trials, heartaches, selfishness, etc. will threaten the devotion pledged in love. Many marriages are crumbling apart like a house built upon the sand.  

Why are marriages falling apart? With This Ring: A National Survey on Marriage in America, lists the following as common reasons for divorce: “lack of commitment, too much conflict and arguing, and infidelity.” What then defines a successful marriage? Commitment? The absence of conflict? A faithful spouse?

We need to define a successful marriage with more than simplistic ideas. After all, couples can remain married because they’re committed to wanting to go to heaven, or to not letting their children come from a broken home, but that doesn’t mean they’re committed to loving one another. Couples can live with the absence of conflict because they’ve come to live separate lives under one roof. This is not the same as having the absence of conflict because they communicate their needs and respect one another’s feelings. 

One may be faithful to her spouse sexually, but is that where the definition of faithful begins and ends? According to Webster’s, “faithful” also encompasses “having or showing true and constant support or loyalty, firm in adherence to promises.” One may not betray her spouse, yet that doesn’t mean she’s been faithful to honor and cherish, to put her spouse's needs first, and to love in good times and bad. Successful marriages are more than the years a couple accumulates together, more than superficial commitment, artificial peacefulness, and faithfulness in some areas.  

When I think of a successful marriage, I think of my father’s parents.They were married over sixty years. They had nine children, all of whom are faithful Christians. They loved each other until my grandma drew her last breath in 1995. She was skinny as a rail, yet so strong her hugs would cut off your air supply!

In her final years her memory was affected by dementia. The majority of household tasks fell onto my grandpa’s shoulders, but he was no stranger to hard work. He was always cheerful and just seemed to take things in stride. 

I loved to hear my grandpa’s story about their nightly ice cream ritual. After dinner he would prepare two bowls of ice cream. One bowl always had a smaller portion than the other. He’d set the small portion in front of her, and put the larger portion at his place at the table. She didn’t understand that he gave her the smaller portion because she could never eat the larger one. So when he’d put the ice cream away, she’d switch the bowls while his back was turned. When he’d turn back around, he’d see her grinning ear-to-ear clutching the bowl with the bigger portion. Despite knowing what would happen, he did this night after night. Perhaps he just wanted to see her smile, and catch a glimpse of the woman she once was . . . the one who held his heart for all those years. 

Though they endured storms of life, they always seemed happy. They were faithfully devoted to each other until they passed from this life. Are these not the warm thoughts we’d like our own grandchildren and future grandchildren to be able to express about our own marriages (cf. Proverbs 20:7)? What a spiritual blessing to leave such a legacy to those in your family!

What was the secret to their success? They built their house of love on the rock. Their marriage stood the test of all the elements because their spiritual foundation was deep and strong. The Bible, and the truths therein, was the most beloved book they owned. It meant something to them. They obeyed Christ’s teachings and loved one another as Christ loved the church. They held fast to the hope God gives for those who follow his commands.  

Faithful devotion such as this is no accident, but it’s the sort of marriage any couple is capable of enjoying and should strive for. What then, does a successful marriage look like? Two imperfect people, who know without God they’re nothing and have nothing. Two imperfect people who commit to loving their spouse like Christ loved the church. Two imperfect people who make God’s word and will the deciding factor for their decisions. Two imperfect people who build their house of love on the rock of Jesus Christ. Two imperfect people who, when they pass from this life, will be together in eternity.  

Sources

What Makes for a Happy and Lasting Marriage.

http://www.foryourmarriage.org/what-makes-for-a-happy-and-lasting-marriage/

Are You A Speck Inspector?

by Jill Jackson

  Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the     best “speck inspector” of them all? 

Some women are married to bad men who participate in physically, emotionally, or spiritually destructive activities, and their life is miserable. This article is not addressing that particular challenge. I’m talking to many of us who still have the chance to make things better today, if we would start with . . . the woman in the mirror. 

A godly woman is willing to face the reality that she’s making some big mistakes. Doesn’t the Lord require us to ask tough questions? Looking into God’s word, what might we discover? Some might realize they’ve been majoring in minors, and that game leads to some major problems. Listen to Christ’s warning about holding others to a higher standard than we hold ourselves, and ask yourself: “Am I the ‘speck inspector’ in my home? 

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt 7:3-5).

Many woman complain about domestic issues (e.g., the trash that didn’t get taken out or the dirty laundry left on the floor). Others raise relationship issues (e.g., the time a husband spends with his buddies). At some point, many women have thought: “I wish I could change______ about my marriage.” Translation: “I wish I could change_____ about my husband.” Therefore, the perceived remedy for marital happiness, becomes “changing” the husband.  

Unfortunately, this “solution” leads to more frustration and unhappiness, because the relationship is complicated by it, rather than enhanced. Are the thoughts and feelings you have for your husband compelling you to seek a solution? Will you choose to do something productive, or pointless? 

It’s pointless to have a lazer-like focus on what’s wrong with your husband. Do you struggle to see his good qualities because you focus on his faults (e.g., He works too many hours, verses he’s willing to put in long hours so I can stay home with our children)? Do you allow your energy to be drained by longing for all the things you don’t have . . . someone else who would be more attentive to you, who would help more around the house, who would not invite company over without asking, who would be more like so-and-so’s husband. Does the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side mentality govern your mind? Nothing good can result from these pointless thoughts. 

There will be times when there’s a speck in our husband’s eye. Perhaps he does work too many hours. Maybe he struggles to find a balance between his job and his role as a husband and father. No doubt, he could be better in many ways. Can’t we all? Maybe some specks need to be addressed, but if your habit is to always focus on his faults, you have a log! 

If your desire is to change your marriage for the better, you need to quit engaging in pointless actions and start engaging in productive actions. Getting the log out of your eye is productive! Before you can address the speck, as someone with credible concerns, you have to get your heart right. You have to be open to seeing the truth about yourself. 

Christ addressed this principle when he said, “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness” (Matthew 6:22-23)! 

When “the eye” (e.g., the heart) is healthy, it focuses on good things (Philippians 4:8) and is full of light. Finding the good in others helps a person to be cheerful, pleasant to be around, successful in endeavors, and prosperous spiritually. 

If the eye is bad, the focus will be on all that’s wrong. The diseased eye surrounds the soul with darkness. It lacks good judgement and the ability to reason.  The bad eye creates a state of misery that leads one to spiritual poverty, or perhaps ruin (Mark 7:20-23). If you want to create positive changes in your marriage, you need “healthy eyes.” You have to be willing to see the good and put things in proper balance. 

 

Focusing on “what’s right” about our husbands is productive. This is where treatment for the “bad eye” begins. When we start to focus on that list of grievances, we need to stop in our tracks and pray for help. Then, we need to make a new list about “what’s right” with our husbands. Why did you marry him? What are the qualities you found endearing about him? Think on those things and thank God for those good things! 

Work to replace the negative feelings you have with positive ones. Robert Fulghum said, “The grass is greenest where it is watered.” Quit watering the grass of negativity and start watering the grass of positivity! Revive your feelings with thankfulness—gratitude for what you have instead of grumbling about what you don’t have. 

Focusing on things you can change is productive, and that means taking an honest look at self. What are your weaknesses? If you want to improve your marriage the journey starts with you. What can you do better as a wife? Could you be more patient and kind, more giving (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)? Could you apply the golden rule better (Matthew 7:12)? If you demanded more of yourself would it make your marriage better . . . even if your husband is not making the same effort?

Scripture indicates your example has the power to influence others for good. The Bible teaches that a wife, faithfully applying the scriptures to her life, can win a husband to Christ “without a word” (1 Peter 3:1-2). She also could help her child to become a dedicated servant of Christ (e.g., Timothy). By doing a better job of living and loving like Christ, can we make our marriages better? Absolutely. 

Can I say with certainty that, because of your positive efforts, your husband will address the speck in his eye? No, because we possess free will. But I can say with certainty that productive actions provide an avenue of hope for something better. Pointless actions, such as withdrawing, or fighting, won’t help a bit.

The closer you walk to God, the happier you’ll be as a person and a wife. Treat your husband like you want the Lord to treat you, and you’ll develop the patience and contentment that will help you keep the log out of your eye, so you can deal gently with the speck in his. 

Do marriages go through changes? Of course they do. Mort Fertel said, “Marriages change not because of what people say or how well they listen; marriages change because of what people do.” What are you going to do to change your marriage? Choose to be productive. Maintain a healthy perspective about your husband and yourself. Focus on what’s right. Work on your flaws. With God’s help, let your marriage change into something great by making yourself—the one person you can control—better. 

Sources

Fulghum, Robert. Robert Fulghum. Wikiquote. Web. 20 Feb.2014. 

Reich, Ashley. How To Save A Marriage: 6 Unconventional Tips. Huffington Post. Web. 01 July 2013. 20 Feb. 2014

Make Your Marriage Better, Not Bitter

by Jill Jackson

In their book Beyond Ordinary, Justin and Trisha Davis provide the following definition for resentment: “Grief that is not mourned, which becomes anger that is not resolved, which turns into bitterness that is unconfessed, which becomes resentment that is unforgiven” (ch. 9). There’s an old adage that time heals all wounds, but in some marriages time is not healing the wounds. No couples are perfect. At some point, more times than we would like to count, we will hurt each other. Many of these wounds are minor abrasions, but sometimes our words or actions cut deep. Deep wounds left unattended can become festering injuries that bleed at the slightest irritation. Untreated, these injuries can erode into marriage-altering resentments.

I grew up in the South. You probably can’t find a single Southerner who doesn’t know what kudzu is. Personally, I love those vines, but I recognize I’m likely in the minority on this one, because they’re a major problem. They grow like crazy! They attach to anything whether you want them to or not. Worst of all, kudzu is almost impossible to kill.

Resentment is a lot like kudzu. Once the seed of resentment takes root, it can grow out of control with little encouragement. It can be extremely resistant to logic and common sense. When resentment resides in your heart, it can attach to any thought or issue within your marriage and totally take over. 

Here’s an example. A wife is living with unresolved hurts, which have become a wedge in her marriage. Her husband is late for dinner, and she’s taking it personal. After all, she’s spent the afternoon ensuring a hot meal would be ready when he gets home. Now, dinner is cold and the kids are whining, and it’s his fault. Any thoughts that would give him the benefit of the doubt (such as there was an accident and he’s stuck in traffic) are unable to enter her mind. There’s no room for logical thoughts because the unresolved hurts keep the finger of blame on him. She feels unappreciated and taken for granted. There’s no ability for reasonable assumptions or explanations. Because resentment has so consumed her heart, his every action, or lack there of, must be one against her. Her resentment is a climbing vine attaching to things it ought not. Her husband is in a lose-lose situation—and doesn’t even know it.

Where does “kudz-entment” come from? Discontentment is fertile soil for resentment. As resentment grows, its stalks get thicker and its roots deeper. Intimacy suffers as emotional distance becomes an appealing refuge. Withdrawal is the fruit of this out-of-control, life-sapping vine. Distance and bitterness hardens hearts against forgiveness. Resentment becomes the silent assassin in many marriages. Is it pursuing you?

Forgiveness is the healing salve that protects our marriages from resentment. Extending our spouse forgiveness will not always be easy. It can be hard to let go of personal wounds, especially when the emotions and memories are vivid. It can be challenging to keep focused on moving forward, and not ruminate on what once caused us grief and strife. It can be downright difficult to forgive, even when we may know in our heart it isn’t deserved.

When forgiveness is hard, we should remember three things. First, we would likely be embarrassed—and humbled—to see on paper how many times our husbands forgave us when we didn’t deserve it. Marriage is a two-way street, after all.

Second, if we desire forgiveness from God, then we must offer it ourselves (Matt. 6:14-15). We must remember that we’re completely undeserving of God’s forgiveness, of Christ’s sacrifice, yet the moment any Christian asks for forgiveness, it’s freely given (1 Jn. 1:7-9). He loves … we need … he offers … we ask … he hears … we’re forgiven. But, if our policy is to withhold forgiveness from those who seek it, how can we call upon the Father to forgive us?

Finally, we should remember that forgiveness is a choice. Fertilizing your hard feelings is also a choice. The choices we make, whether good or bad, all have consequences—positive or negative. Christ taught this principle when he spoke of the decision all must make of which gate they will enter. “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few" (Matthew 7:13-14).

Just as living for Christ is not easy, there will be times when choosing to do right by our marriages will be hard. Bitterness is typical of the masses who spiritually live on Easy Street. It’s effortless to allow our self-talk to spiral out of control. It’s often perceived to be more comforting to lick our wounds, dig our heels in, and fight for the validation we seek. Holding grudges and being the “victim” isn’t hard for most. Yet a life, and a marriage, that willingly walks the wide and easy gate must remember it’s a life that leads to destruction.

That destruction may manifest itself in years of unhappiness, a lack of fulfillment, a loveless marriage, or even one filled with contempt that acts out in injurious ways. This cold existence can make one vulnerable to a sinful relationship with another and could ultimately carry an eternal cost.

Many are blinded to the reality that a marriage filled with bitter resentment has consequences that often reach beyond the spouse—on whom their anger is focused.

How many lives of children are forever changed because parents chose the wide and easy way? There’s nothing painless about the dysfunction, destruction, and dissolving of a home and family … nothing easy about feeling lonely and abandoned.

Though forgiveness can be a difficult spiritual quality to develop, the rewards for your family now and in eternity are well worth the investment. Mend the hurts in your marriage. If things are broken, fix them as much as possible. Do whatever promotes healing. Don’t choke the forgiving spirit out of your marriage and give the silent assassin an opportunity to pursue you.

Sources

 Davis, Justin and Trisha Davis. Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Good Enough. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale, 2012. iBook edition.

Recommended Reading

Jackson, Wayne.The Devastating Effects of Divorce.

 https://www.christiancourier.com/articles/81-devastating-effects-of-divorce-the.

Jackson, Wayne. The Challenge of Agape-Love.

https://www.christiancourier.com/articles/78-challenge-of-agape-love-the.

Is Your Marriage Fractured?

by Jill Jackson

“From the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:6-9).

It’s plain to see from this passage, that when God created man in his own image and gave him a help meet (suitable) for him, he had a design for marriage, male and female, leaving and cleaving. This union is to be permanent and intimate on all levels. Sadly, many marriages are falling short of God’s ideal design.

Divorce is not just common in our society. It also has become common-place in the church. Divorce is occurring not only after a few short years together, but lately I’ve heard of several couples who’ve spent decades together, severing the commitment they made. It gives me pause to wonder how people can spend twenty, thirty or even forty years together and call it quits.

But then I realize my naive thinking. Just because they’ve lived together all those years doesn’t mean they’ve loved one another all those years. In reality something broke within those marriages—in some cases many, many years before, and was never fixed. Time continued to pass. Unhappiness within the marriage grew. Lives began to be lived separately until one, or both, found that all the reasons to stay together no longer outweighed the reasons to live apart. Marriages are not reaching their God intended potential. Homes are being broken. Souls are being lost.

People I know and love are settling to live in broken marriages because divorce is not a scriptural option, and fixing their problems in many cases requires things of them they aren’t willing to do. The home of such individuals frequently lacks hope, peace, and focus on living like Christ. In turn it becomes a place of inner turmoil, discontentment, and selfishness under the guise of self-preservation.

Sheryl Crow paints a vivid picture of such a home in her song Home.

I woke up this morning

Now I understand

What is means to give your life

To just one man

Afraid of feeling nothing

No bees or butterflies

My head is full of voices

And my house is full of lies

[Chorus]

This is home, home

And this is home, home

This is home

I found you standing there

When I was seventeen

Now I’m thirty-two

And I can’t remember what I’d seen in you

I made a promise

Said it everyday

Now I’m reading romance novels

And I’m dreaming of yesterday

[Chorus]

I’d like to see the Riviera

And slow dance underneath the stars

I’d like to watch the sun come up

In a stranger’s arms

[Chorus]

I’m going crazy

A little everyday

Everything I wanted

Is now driving me away

I woke this morning

To the sound of breaking hearts

Mine is full of questions

And it’s tearing yours apart . . .

Now, I’m not advocating the lyrics of this song, or any other Sheryl Crow song. I’m not advocating Sheryl Crow, or her lifestyle in any way, shape or form. I’m merely using these lyrics to illustrate the point that generally speaking, marriages that end in divorce often spend a period of time in a fractured state. The response of the couple to the fractures that threaten to sever their marriage will determine the outcome of their union.

Marriage is the foundation of the Christian home—a vital aspect of the Lord’s church (Titus 1:6). In an article titled, The Devastating Effects of Divorce, Wayne Jackson said, “When the family structure disintegrates, a significant factor in the growth of Christian faith is missing, and the gospel is hindered.”

At what point does the measure of health in a marriage hinder the gospel? At the point of divorce, or when a couple began to walk the path toward divorce? The disintegration of the family is no small thing. It’s draining, preoccupying, emotional, and there’s no way one experiencing that roller coaster of emotions can do for Christ what they would be able to do under emotionally healthy circumstances.

For many the new year brings an opportunity for introspection—a time to review the past and look toward the future. We take time to consider our strengths and weaknesses and strive to challenge ourselves to do better in the coming year. As you are doing that, I encourage you to consider the current state of your marriage. Are you living happily ever after? Have you reached a point for reasons you may or may not recognize, you’re merely coexisting? Are you living the life you hoped for when you said your wedding vows? Are there things broken within your marriage? Are you striving to fix them? Are you allowing time to pass while aware of fractures, feeling hopeless, settling for less than God’s design for marriage?

When things are going well it’s easy to love. The flip side of the coin is when things are going well, it’s also easy to hit cruise control and slack off. We get caught up in more pressing needs (ie. work, children, etc.). Though it may appear to be a harmless act at the time, these can be the beginning of fractures within marriages.

I don’t claim to have all the life experiences to answer every marital problem, but I’m convicted that God’s word is where we find the solutions to any and all relationship issues. Whether you feel your marriage is the Christ-centered, intimate relationship God intended, or if you feel somewhere along the way you ran off the road and into a ditch, I invite you to join me this month for Marriage Matters from Matthew. We’ll study principles found in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount and consider how we can apply his teachings to our marriages, to bring them closer to the design God created.

Sources:

Image copyright: Lane Erickson, 25256186, 123RF.com

Jackson, Wayne. The Devastating Effects of Divorce. https://www.christiancourier.com/articles/81-devastating-effects-of-divorce-the